Happy New Year  everyone! I hope all of you have experienced a smooth transition into 2017. With the new year upon us, let’s get back to the root of things.

The tumultuous lives we live as parents are often due to the frenzied occurrences that derive from our children’s boisterous behaviors. The fact that my wife and I can’t visit a restaurant without one of our four children presenting inappropriate one-liners for the public to bare witness to, or that one of them might go ape shit at the convenience store or that they might all kill each other during a 5 minute car drive are just a few items that drive us, as parents, absolutely bonkers.  Yet I’ve recently discovered that these 4 children of mine, imbeciles that they may be, have the power to alter the outcome of particular situations. I will tell you about one of those very moments, and I must frankly state that as inappropriate as it may seem for a parent to exploit the worst in a child to benefit their own needs, it does achieve the desired outcome. Let me explain.

In the days leading up to Christmas I began to develop a sore throat and felt as though it might have become severely infected. In order to prevent falling further ill throughout the holidays I had made an appointment with my local doctor. It just so happened that I had to take my 3 youngest children with me, now aged 6, 8 and 10 years old. My wife had to work during the time of the appointment, hence my little followers. I allowed my children to take their iPods and kindles to keep them occupied and also as means of deterring them from acting like animals during my examination. Although their machines thwarted any intentions to misbehave they did start speaking their German code language in reference to my Doctor. I taught each of my children German from infancy stages, yet they have consciously elected to only utilize the language for the means of pure entertainment. In the case of this scenario, they spoke derogatory  phrases- such as “you may be a doctor but you’re no genius, and you look rather crappy too!” When the doctor asked me what they said, I lied and said that they complimented the Doctor. My son interrupted and said “no, that’s not what I said Papa!”, so I just hoped to still receive proper treatment after that.

Much to my dismay the children continued for some time, yet I was able to simmer them down by reminding them that their machines would be taken away if they kept up the antics. They immediately calmed down and drowned themselves in ipod games. Whilst feeling ill no parent wants the stress of having to reprimand their children as it further drains the energy one has left. After concluding with the Doctor I was ordered to pick up antibiotics at the pharmacy just down the street. Just great- another stop with these lunatics. However, I had a simple plan to avert chasing down my little baboons at the next store. I was simply going to wait in the car of the parking lot of the next stop and keep calling the pharmacy to check the status of my prescription until it was ready. That way I could just run in and out without having to take the children inside with me. But nooooo, not as simple as I had imagined. After speaking with the pharmacist 3 times on the phone, they kept telling me that the wait would be 45 minutes to an hour in order to prepare the medication. On the 4th call, still from within my car and the children repeatedly asking when we are leaving, I explained that my specific prescription is a pre-made antibiotic, already packaged and  would only entail my payment. I also explained that I was sitting in the car with my 3 young children and that I would be running late to pick up my oldest from the bus stop. After another rejection from the pharmacist, I looked at my 3 children who were becoming increasingly impatient, nodded my head and said “O.K kids, we’re going in and we’re gonna to do our thing”. My children had no idea what that meant, but I had officially decided to unleash the crazies into the pharmacy.

Typically, as soon as I enter a public place with my children I would tell them to all stay close to me and behave. Not this time. We walked inside and I didn’t say a word. Subconsciously this tell my kids that the choke collar is non existent. I walked up to the counter of the pharmacy and told the woman whom I was, yet I still received the “sorry sir, it won’t be ready for about another 40 minutes”. I simply said “ok, fine.” At that point I’d already allowed my children to scatter like Jay Birds and take over the store. I heard two of them loudly playing adventure tag close to the contraceptive department. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a huge stuffed animal flying over the candy aisle- that was surely my 8 year old son. After all, it was a stuffed bird, so why not let the little fucker soar. Moments later my 6 year old daughter came running up to me with a notepad and pen she had already unwrapped from the supply section. She loudly proclaimed “Look Papa, I wrote BOOBS!”. Over the last Halloween my daughter discovered that adding “BS” at the end of “BOO” was totally hilarious. My son must have heard the 6 year old scream “boobs” as he quickly went on a mission to find some breasts of his own. He subsequently came running back with a Women’s Health magazine and showed it to another man waiting in line for his prescription, and said “check this out- this girl is awesome”. I should mention that my children did a wonderful job of making their antics known to the entire staff of the Pharmacy. My children’s short presence must have seemed like an eternity to the employees and patrons as well. The kids kept on “doing their thing” for the next few minutes- all with my blessings.

Suffice to say that after approximately a total of 7 minutes waiting time, my prescription was MAGICALLY ready! And I was able to pick up my oldest son with time to spare. I frigging love my kids.

In the future I will always keep in mind that the very same demonic means they choose to drive me up the wall can also be used to advance my personal causes. Perhaps I should embrace their playful yet edgy traits more often.