Yes, it’s a fact- my sons have a disease that can come and go at any given time, flare up into huge outbreaks, or ever so slightly stage itself in mild doses. It’s an infection called Dickheaditis. This disease is common among boys between the ages of 8 and well …. we are unsure at what age it ceases.

The most common forms of Dickheaditis usually coincide with either a parent’s request to fulfill a chore or when a parent has disallowed their son from doing or having something they desire. There are other various causes as well. I prefer to offer some some examples rather than getting into the deep medical history on the origins of Dickheaditis and why the body and brain seem to malfunction while the subject is symptomatic. Please note there are also sub symptoms of Dickheaditis which I shall delve into as well.

• You’ve forbidden your 8 year old son from watching TV due to having a messy room and he plainly states that you treat him like garbage. Such a statement is a Dick statement, thus he’s temporarily contracted Dickheaditis.
• You’ve taken your 13 year old son skiing for the day and let him stay up late to watch Sunday night football. He subsequently says that he “freaking hates you” because you won’t let him take his Ipod to bed at midnight. This symptom of dickheaditis has now temporarily paralyzed him into a dickheaded state which will only dissipate with much needed sleep.
• Your 8 year old has just finished his little league game while you froze your ass off to watch him pick flowers in the outfield for 7 innings, it’s 8:15 at night and he has a meltdown because you won’t give him 30 minutes on the playground. The other parents watch as he has a tantrum in the parking lot, he calls you “mean” and you wish there were less witnesses so you could strangle the little dick. This dicky move results in a full blown case of Dickheaditis during the car ride home, causing your worst palpitations ever and possibly even contracting Dickheaditis yourself!
• You happen to be home early from work, excited to see your kids get off the bus and spend the afternoon together. But then you discover the sour look on your 13 year old’s face when he realizes your car is in the driveway and his plan for a 3 hour Ipod escapade of texting friends is doomed. I call that “sour dick syndrome” which is a common sub symptom of Dickheaditis.
• Your 8 year old son has spent the last 45 minutes trying to force the birth of a stubborn poop log, all while sitting sideways on the toilet so that he can use the sink as a desk to draw his own comic book. In the meantime the “dangler” has been swaying against the adjacent side of the toilet seat like tall wheat grass in the wind. He concludes his session by wiping but forgets to clean the seat and furthermore hasn’t noticed that each time his butt cheeks rub against the other side of the toilet seat he smears it all around himself. This model of Dickheadtitis is called “Shitty Dick”.
• Your 8 year old has just had a tour of duty in the bathroom as stated above and decides to watch TV naked on the all white carpet. You are now left with a rug that resembles a zebra’s hyde. This sub symptom is called “rectus carpus”- see what I did there? In any case it’s classified under Dickheaditis.
• How about when your 13 year old tells you his baseball game is at a certain location and you realize that, after 3 innings of watching and wondering why he hasn’t been up to bat, you’re at the wrong field! “Scatterbrain Dick” is the coined term here.
• Both your boys are asked to do something and they forget the objective of the mission as they pass by the fridge or pantry to find snacks. You politely remind them twice and then resort to raising your voice with the 3rd and 4th requests, to which they arrogantly respond “Jeez, who pissed in your cereal this morning?”. This frequent recurrence and sub form of Dickheaditis is better known as “Dicko Arroganto”.

There are too many cases to cite, but such a disease should not be taken lightly……If not immediately treated with repercussions such as punishments, yelling or immediate sleep etc then you may have an incurable situation on your hands.

Stayed tuned- I will eventually cover the atrocities of a an infection my daughters sporadically contract, which in the medical field is termed as “Bitchophilia”.