Lots of requests to re-post this one after word got out! Here you go folks….

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There was a time when I thought the feat of changing an infant’s diapers might be the greatest challenge in keeping the hygiene of a child. I was dead wrong. Any parent will recall to the substance I then referred to as “Death Tar”- the black soil a baby would poop with super glue like properties. This outer world material could have permanently sealed my roof from a 100 year typhoon. After the “Death Tar” stage I thought my wife and I had weathered the worst and might find ourselves closing in on easier times in the poo poo universe, but noooo- that was way too presumptuous.

The next phase took on another life of it’s own, most notably what I referred to as “crap back”. Oh yes, the wonderful days of “crap back”. This stage came between the age of seven months and 2 years old. You might have noticed this appetizing incident because you happened to smell a strong odor protruding from the neck area where the shirt was venting a gaseous fume so toxic that you were close to calling the CDC. Oh yes I was close to calling someone! The “lava” had erupted all the way up the child’s back and was oozing upward against gravity, ready to consume the child’s head if not stopped by radical forces. The worst of the “crap back” phase was when you finally stopped the car after you couldn’t figure why the baby had been so upset for the last 1 hour during your car trip. Not only did the seemingly flesh eating blob climb vertically again, but it had also practically singed the car seat to a point where stopping at the next department store for a whole new car seat was the only option. Some of you may find this particular blog “disenchanting”, but those of you who are parents know exactly what I’m talking about (perhaps you’ve just never found the time to verbalize it- well right now I have the time).

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Some of you may be wondering why I am articulating these lovely portraits as all of my 4 children have outgrown the diaper stages. Well let me explain- the shit diaries continue so be warned!!! Besides the kids forgetting to flush, still getting poop on the toilet seat, not wiping properly etc etc, there are new and beautiful adventures in the planet of the log droppers. For example, they might wait so long to go that they get to a point where the massive “Paul Bunyan Log” brings pain and tears, so you end up holding their hand through it, all whilst waiting for the Blue Ox to join you at any moment.

One of my children has an actual pre-bomb ritual in accordance with the anticipated “session”. In order to be at peace this child needs to be fully undressed, and become one with the earth so that the next 45 minutes can be focused fully, with mind and spirit, on the soul purpose of success on the throne.

The journey of my children in the bathroom has not yet seen the light at the end of the tunnel- no pun intended…