The finest hours are far and few between. The moments in which a Father or Mother find peace within the home can sometimes only be achieved through tactics that require deception and utilizing channels one would normally find arbitrary, such as taking a shower or sitting on the throne. On occasion deception is required  to excuse oneself to engage in such every day activities. For example, when the shit hits the fan at home I suddenly come down with non existing pressure in the stomach and state the need to use the bathroom. Do I really have to go? No. However I do occasionally manage to squeeze a dangler to keep up the perception that I’m actually busy using the toilet. It usually gives me enough time to avoid the wrath of my wife after I’ve screwed up at something or elude the arduous task of explaining to my daughter why she has to clean her room, thus letting Mom take over the court proceedings.

In order to find a few peaceful moments in the morning we often try to use preemptive maneuvers to avoid would-be hectic mornings so that all four of my flustered baboons are able to catch the school bus. We attempt early wake-up calls so that they can get dressed appropriately, eat breakfast, brush teeth, wrap up unfinished homework and sign reading logs, get their backpacks in order and have them race down the driveway in hopes that they board the bus unscathed. Why is it that my children have such difficulty in getting out of bed only from Monday through Friday? We put them to bed early enough, yet they only deem fit enough to move at snail’s pace every weekday morning. On Friday and Saturday nights my wife and I let them stay up later in order to delay their wake up times the next morning and give us a chance to catch up on some much needed sleep. However those just happen to be the mornings their bodies decide to wake up super early at the crack of dawn, make a shitload of noise, argue like banshees and make a total fucking mess of the house. It’s freaking mind bending. We’ve even experimented letting them stay up till midnight on days off hoping for one extra hour of snoozing the next morning but they still get up even earlier- whaaaat the fuuuuuck!!!!

Hence the need for the extra long shower, often the highlight of the day. Hence the need to visit the bathroom and pinch some non existent cattle cookies just to read an email in peace. Hence my wife’s need to hit the gym or go get a coffee. The “Hence List” goes on and on…all in the quest to achieve a finer hour.