Let’s see now- mmmm…..Either take my 4 darling children to a fancy restaurant where manners and cordiality are required, or use that extra cash on a babysitter for a rare evening out with my wife…..and I’m dialing the sitter now.

Yes, I said it in the title. On occasion our children can find systematic ways to unearth the different facets of assholism. Yes assholism, it’s a new word – o.k? Our children are the most important beings to my wife and I, and we’d gladly forfeit our souls for each and every one of them. Having said that, allow me to share some of the glorious fashions in which my sweet children glow;

• We return home from the movie theater at 10pm when one of my children asks “can I watch a show?”  I say, “Nope, its late little buddy and we just came from the movies”. He says” that’s so unfair and you treat me like garbage”. That is defined as “Spoiled Assholism”. We just spent seventy freaking dollars for the family to see a movie and he gives me crap for not letting him watch Chucky. Fuck Chucky.
• My oldest child, oh boy. The teen years have begun and I may be forced to kick the stool out from underneath myself. A simple request that might require infinitesimal work at best, can trigger the absolute “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde” syndrome. I know all kids eventually grow out of it, but for now I prefer his bedroom to be padded. The definition here is “teenoid assholism”.
• Next up; our 9 year old daughter knows she’s smarter than everyone else, sometimes even smarter than us. We often feel the need to hire a team of lawyers just to get a win.  Definition = “condescending assholism”. However I will treat this one with care as her status as a genius might play well into our retirement plan.
• A few years ago one of the kids was sitting on our new couch while I was in the middle of a good reprimand. The little monster just stared right through me, and commenced whizzing in his pants and ultimately all over the cushions. I say “Well played little one, well played”. I call this one “onepointforkids-nonefordad assholism”
• Check out this scenario; your child threatens to play with his “joystick” at the dinner table…..in a restaurant!  You have to guarantee him dessert in order for his operations to cease. We call this “blackmail assholism”. The kids know we won’t fully reprimand them in public, so in this case we’re left with no choice but to bargain with a 5 year old.  This is one of my favorites; “just-wait-till-we-get-to-the-car assholism”.
• Or that moment when you’re all out for a nice Family gathering during the holidays and the youngest blurts out that they need to “shit a brick”. Where do they get this stuff? Movies? Social media? I have deemed this as “embarrassing assholism”, which is probably the most common form of assholism among children. Whether they are running through the supermarket like freed chimps, or loudly trumpet “look at that lady!” referring to the 800lb behemoth of a woman standing directly in front of us in line at the cash register. Surely that poor woman contemplated devouring us all….

Listen, we think our kids are the coolest and we love them dearly. I’m merely taking some isolated cases as examples. In fact we now look at some of these instances with fond memories. They make up part of the adventures that we don’t want to forget. As another example, when I found my 6 year old hanging out of the 2nd story window wearing a batman mask and batman cape, otherwise fully naked, with the family cat in one hand…frightening then, funny now.  And it doesn’t mean we are unable to call them little shits or whatever your choice words are at home. From time to time a harsh word to your children will be surmised as a wakeup call. There are many us whom will carry guilt when going to sleep tonight because we may have used strong language or given a spank earlier that day. Don’t blame yourself. Kids can be little F’ers, it is the simple nature of things.

But a fine restaurant you say? Although our kids are generally well behaved we typically don’t visit Jacket and Tie restaurants. Not unless it’s a for special occasions. We prefer to save that money and cook at home or engage in other activities. When we go out to dinner with our children during the week we try to incorporate the following steps;

1. Pick a restaurant where you and your family are well known.
2. Call ahead and order the children’s dishes.
3. Arrive at the table with food waiting for them.
4. Take your time, relax with a beer and look over the menu while the kids are just getting started on their main course.
5. Order your main course and desserts for the kids so that they arrive simultaneously.
6. You eat and they’re busy with ice cream.
7. Pay check
8. Get the hell out unscathed and hope they fall asleep in the car

I’ll leave you with that.